Dear California,

I’m writing to let you know that my dog is not a terrorist. And in general, dogs do not have sufficient umbrage or concentration to be terrorists.

“Dogs shall be kept on a leash no longer than 6 feet at all times, shall not leave paved trails or campsites, and must be contained within a tent or vehicle by night. At no time may dogs be left unattended.”

So I can pay $30 for a campsite, but basically have to sit in said campsite and jerk off. I cannot go to the falls, I cannot take my dog to the beach (!?) or any part of the lake within the park.

Can we apply these regulations to the children of the park? To the old people? The ones next to me, for example, are running an air compressor so loud I can’t help but hear it even over my noise-dampening headphones. The children at the camp on the other side of me insist on screaming more or less constantly.

Of course we can’t! And why is that? Because dogs wag their tails and not their tongues.

It’s not the dogs that are bad, it’s the humans! Lift these restrictions, and in their place put a $500 fine for not picking up dog crap, and I assure you that we will be as good as our tail-waggers. That is the problem, isn’t it? We don’t want our lakes and beaches and trails stacked with doggie poop bombs. Just like the massive fines for being solo in the carpool lane on Orange County freeways finally convinced us to abandon the desperate lurch into the carpool lane, huge fines against not cleaning up and controlling our dogs would convince us to comply. I swear.

And while we’re on the subject of leashes, let’s talk. Dogs posture, dogs chase squirrels. Studies show that dogs off-leash are better protection from wildlife and more responsive to it than on-leash. If a dog hurts another dog, mandatory muzzle laws should be in effect. Then we can walk around and enjoy our canine pals. If the humans who own them can’t either identify their dogs as a danger to others or humanize them enough to be social, penalize them – don’t penalize every single dog owner in the nation!

I know that was a bit of a rant, but honestly. This is some ridiculous and aren’t we silly enough in the eyes of the nation?